He Is In the Waiting
Wait. I'm still waiting. It is incredible how fast time passes when you are having fun, but when you want answers, it feels like forever. We received Jamie's results on August 30; our first appointment was on September 7, so we did our best to keep our minds off our new situation.
When your initial diagnosis is cancer, either skin cancer or lung cancer, you have a lot of room for your imagination to run wild. This is funny because I have zero imagination except for creating the most exquisite tragedy. Remember, I have already buried Jamie, started filling out job applications, and asked my kids if I could live with them. All in my head, of course. My counselor has a 14-syllable word for this; catastrophizing. This is when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not. And this is what I do best. Ask me to imagine a European vacation, or ask me a "would you rather" question, and I will most likely not play along. It just isn't realistic. But say one word about something remotely negative, and I will have an entire running dialog living rent-free on the big screen of my mind. Thank you, childhood trauma, for this unappreciated gift. So, we attempted to keep ourselves busy and keep our minds occupied.
We managed to fumble through the following week. Some days were more manageable than others. There were even these momentary minutes when we forgot about the cancer, only to be flooded again with the overtaking wave of emotions. It was almost like hearing the news all over again. I remember Jamie needing to pray for the strength to come out of his room. And I had my moments of crying alone so that no one could see how scared I was.
During that week, I started waking up at 2A.M. every night. All of a sudden, I would be fully awake, and I would pray. But one night stands out. It was 2 A.M. again, but this time, I awoke to a song ringing in my ears, and these were the words I heard,
"So when I fight
I'll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle
Belongs to You
And every fear
I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You."
I needed these words. I needed this reminder. We were in a fight, and the way to fight was on my knees with my hands raised. And every fear I had, every catastrophe I had created, I could lay at the feet of The Father. The cancer battle was not mine to win. I lay there and let these words sing over my heart. And then the bridge of the song began playing in my mind.
"Almighty Fortress
You go before us
Nothing can stand against
The power of our God
You shine in the shadow
You win every battle
Nothing can stand against
The power of our God."
Wow! This situation was a surprise to us, but it was not to God. He had gone before us and prepared a way. Nothing could stand against Him. He wins every battle. The victory was already His. All I needed to do was fall on my knees, give Him every fear and concern, rest in His fortress, and wait for His victory to unfold.
Now, remember, I am a realist, so I was not assuming the battle would go as planned, but I had a reassuring confidence that it would go just as Jesus had planned. I know this statement can ruffle some feathers and raise the question, " Why would a loving God let someone get cancer?" And you know, I don't understand why some things happen. But I do know that I serve a loving God Who knows precisely what I need even before I have a need. I know that He is trustworthy and full of grace. I had no idea I was about to embark on an incredible life journey at that moment. I didn't know this season would hold some of the most treasured chapters of my story. I was completely unaware of the love and grace I would be showered with.
Cancer is an ugly word, one clocked in fear and uncertainty. But Jesus is a beautiful Word, one clothed in faithfulness and joy. Jesus is who I would choose to rest in because the battle was His, and He had already won. And all I needed to do was wait.
One way we escaped from reality, Royals game 9/3/2021
Song lyrics; Phil Wickham - Battle Belongs